My furious instinct and my heart’s desire is to make it stop – right now! There are at this moment, however, none of my usual go-to tricks for escape available to me. I am currently sitting in a dorm room at a university in Virginia with only a week’s worth of belongings. (well, not quite a week. I forgot to grab the rest of my underwear from the drier before leaving. So, now I’m having to wash each night for a few nights – ugh!)
Apparently, there is cable here, but I wouldn’t know, because I would have had to bring my own TV.
I found out from my assistant today that a health insurance company is trying to mess with us again.
I called home this evening only to find my spouse had been having a bad day.
Grumble. Grumble. Grumble.
I really want to write some more tonight, but I’m feeling too enervated to be inspired.
Grumble. Grumble. Grumble. Blah!
No TV. No chocolate. Just blank white walls with left over pieces of sticky squares all over them and a dilapidated dresser drawer that barely opens and shuts.
What am I supposed to do now?
I tried pacing and scrubbing my hair with my knuckles.
Tried laying on the floor, willing myself to feel better.
Added legs up the wall.
Still didn’t help.
Went to the “funny-singing-videos-from-YouTube” night here at the course. Laughed, but…
I’m still a grumbly, whiney mess.
Raspberries to everyone! Meh!
As I’m settling deeply into my wallowing for a long, miserable stay, I suddenly recall Pema Chodron’s teachings on learning to stay.
I think what I didn’t understand the first 100 times I listened to the audiobook “Getting Unstuck” was that learning to stay with the discomfort doesn’t make you actually feel better. Rather, whatever “icky” that you stay for becomes something you learn to tolerate to the point that the label “bad” disappears. Then it just is what it is.
There is a similar concept in the “Poetry of Compassion” by David Whyte that I’ve mentioned before. There is a phrase in there that states (I paraphrase), “You have to love both the waxing and waning parts of yourself. You can’t just be out there loving yourself when you’re feeling full and then disappear entirely during the three days of your new moon.”
I recognize that I’m sitting here feeling all uptight about my “grumble grumble” when in fact I should be rejoicing that I have the opportunity to sit and stay with this feeling without interruption; that I am able to have some prajna while my mental state works its way through.
Darn you Pema, ruining a good self-righteous wallowing!